The Bad Laughers
by GoodyAce
Summary: The gang goes to the movies, where they meet a couple of "bad-laughers." George gets "soaked" by a dishonest concession stand employee. When Elaine falls asleep during the show, Jerry decides to leave her in the theater.


SEINFELD  
  
The Bad Laughers  
  
Scene - Movie Theatre Lobby  
  
JERRY  
  
I love this guy. Look at him taking your ticket, ripping it in half. What if I gave him the wrong ticket? What do think he'd do?  
  
GEORGE  
  
He probably wouldn't even notice.  
  
JERRY  
  
I'm think I'm gonna try it. (Takes some ticket stubs out of his wallet) I don't know why I save these things. They're like souvenirs from the movies. They don't let you bring cameras, so you've got to keep the stubs. Look (holding up ticket stub) this was me at "Summer In South Dakota."  
  
GEORGE  
  
Just don't try anything funny, OK.  
  
JERRY  
  
Why not, lets see what happens.   
  
GEORGE  
  
Please. You don't understand. I don't have the stomach for this sort of thing.   
  
JERRY  
  
C'mon. Look, he's just a kid. What's he gonna do, point his flashlight at you?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I just can't do it. It's...dishonest.  
  
JERRY  
  
So was telling the girl at the ticket counter you're 65 for the senior's discount, but you didn't seem to have too much trouble with that.  
  
GEORGE  
  
That's different. It's a matter of principle. Why should we have to pay more than them? You know, they should change that line in the constitution: "All men are created equal, but old men are 25% off."   
  
JERRY  
  
So it's one less pack of gum in your life. Is it really such a big deal?  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's the same seat! For two dollars give me a footrest. Something. Just because you're old, life should be one big clearance sale?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Alright, lets go.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Wait, I've got to get some popcorn. Does anyone want anything?  
  
KRAMER   
  
Get me a decaf coffee.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What do you think this is, the teacher's lounge? There's no coffee.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Oh, I could really use some caffeine. I'm so tired. I was up all night reading this stupid manuscript.   
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, yeah. What was it about?  
  
ELAINE  
  
A guy who travels back in TIME to become the world's first dentist.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Alright, get me an...orange Pip.   
  
JERRY  
  
They haven't made those for, like, 30 years.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Fine. Get me a water. But not any of that bottled stuff. I like the taste of tap water. It's got character. That filtered water, it's bland, flavourless. It's like drinking...  
  
JERRY  
  
Water.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well, yeah.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'm not asking for tap water.   
  
KRAMER  
  
Why not?   
  
GEORGE  
  
You can't just go up there and ask for water. This is a business.  
  
KRAMER  
  
I ask for water all the time.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Fine! I'll get you the water. Anyone else?  
  
JERRY  
  
Better get me a water too.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Alright! 2 waters!  
  
ELAINE.  
  
Water, yeah, that sounds good.  
  
GEORGE  
  
THREE WATERS, coming up! We've got some BIG spenders here!  
  
(George goes over to the concession stand)  
  
RICKY  
  
Can I help you sir?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah, one small popcorn, and three...waters please.   
  
RICKY  
  
We've got three kinds of water. They all taste the same.  
  
GEORGE  
  
No, I want from the tap, not the bottles.  
  
RICKY  
  
Tap water?  
  
GEORGE  
  
They're not for me. They're for my friends.   
  
RICKY  
  
Alright. That's $4.15 for the popcorn, and seventy-five cents for the waters.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You're charging me for water? How can you do that?  
  
RICKY  
  
It's not for the water. It's for the cups. They're twenty-five cents each.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I can't believe you're charging me for water. What kind of place is this? I go to a restaurant they don't charge me for water. And they have to pay someone to wash the glasses. A glass is worth a lot more money than some paper cup.  
  
(Guy in line behind George nudges him.)  
  
GUY  
  
Are you almost done?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Can you wait a minute. Seventy-five cents for water. So you're saying that if I brought like an empty jug, you wouldn't be charging me anything?  
  
RICKY  
  
Do you have an empty jug?  
  
GEORGE  
  
No. I'm not allowed to bring anything in to the theater.  
  
JERRY  
  
George, the movie's starting.  
  
GEORGE  
  
They're charging me seventy-fives cents for the water.  
  
JERRY  
  
Alright. Do you want money George?  
  
GEORGE  
  
No.  
  
JERRY  
  
So what's the problem?   
  
GEORGE  
  
It's unethical.  
  
JERRY  
  
Suddenly you're Clarence Darrow. Come on.   
  
GEORGE   
  
Alright. But you owe me a quarter.  
  
(Enter the theatre. Kramer and Elaine have chosen seats)  
  
GEORGE  
  
You both owe me twenty-five cents. Oh! Look at these seats. We're right in the middle.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What's wrong with the middle?  
  
GEORGE  
  
What if I have to get out during the movie. Then I've got to squeeze past everyone. And then when I come back I've got to do it again. People hate when you do that. They look at you like you just marched at Nuremberg.  
  
ELAINE  
  
So sit on the aisle. There's a seat right there.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Are you going to move?  
  
ELAINE  
  
No.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well then I'm not going.  
  
ELAINE  
  
It's a movie. We're not going to be doing anything. We're gonna be watching. What does it matter where you sit?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I don't like sitting next to strangers. I can never be comfortable with someone sitting next to me, who I don't know. 'Cause you've got to make a good impression. I've got to make sure I don't breathe too loud. I can't cross my legs. And what if I have to sneeze? Plus, if it's a woman, forget it. And what about those armrests? My arm's always brushing against theirs. How are you supposed to watch a movie like that?  
  
JERRY  
  
Armrest confusion. It happens to the best of us.   
  
GEORGE  
  
Well there's one rest for two people. You're playing with fire.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Sit down George.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Alright.  
  
(George sits down next to an empty seat.)  
  
ELAINE  
  
See. There's no one even sitting there. You'll be fine.  
  
GEORGE  
  
This is the worst thing that could have happened. Now I'm waiting for someone to come and sit here. Every time a person walks through the door, I'm gonna have to worry about whether or not they're coming up here. They start walking up the aisle, I have to mentally will them past me.  
  
JERRY  
  
Here comes someone.  
  
GEORGE  
  
C'mon. Up! Up! C'mon.  
  
(The couple stops beside George's empty seats for a second and then proceed up the steps.)  
  
GEORGE  
  
That was a close one.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Shh! The movie's starting.  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's not over yet. You've got to factor in 5-10 minutes for traffic, or lineups in the bathroom. Then I'll be in the clear.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You've really got this figured out, don't you?  
  
(Previews start. A couple starts ambling up the steps. George pretends to look away, but is really watching their every move. They sit down in front of him, but then get up and move to the seats beside him.)  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hahaha. Better keep your hands to yourself.  
  
(George is fuming. He looks over and Jerry, then puts his hand on the armrest, only to find that it is already occupied. The woman sitting next to him glares into his eyes.)  
  
(The movie is long and boring. We see Elaine beginning to nod off, and then eventually falling asleep. Her head falls on Jerry's shoulder and he pushes her off to Kramer, who pushes her back to Jerry.)  
  
MOVIE  
  
Even though they're sending you to jail for stealing that loaf of bread to feed our starving cats, and I'm dying from this extremely rare form of athlete's foot, I know we'll always be together...in our forgotten hearts.  
  
(In the back of the theatre, we can see two men laughing heartily at what is not a funny line.)  
  
MOVIE  
  
Don't worry Matilda. They can lock me up for the rest of my life, and take all our money, our children, our home, our pets, and my...car. But we'll always have Idaho.  
  
(Two men in the back are laughing harder than before. Everyone in the theatre is silent and stolid, many are even weeping at this heartfelt bit of dialogue.)  
  
JERRY  
  
Can you believe those guys. What are they laughing at?  
  
(Kramer is crying.)  
  
KRAMER  
  
Idaho (Kramer is crying, overcome by emotion)  
  
JERRY  
  
They're sick. Did you hear how they were laughing when that kid's turtle died?   
  
(George is gone, but we see him trying to move through the aisle to get back to his seat.)  
  
GEORGE  
  
Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.   
  
(A woman jerks her leg back. George has just stepped on her foot. She looks at him like he's got a swastika tattooed on his forehead.)  
  
GEORGE  
  
See! What did I miss? Something funny?  
  
JERRY  
  
No.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Then what were those guys laughing at? I could hear them from the stall. Over the flush.  
  
JERRY  
  
NOTHING. They're crazy. They're laughing at everything.   
  
GEORGE  
  
A couple of bad laughers.  
  
JERRY  
  
It's like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.  
  
(Elaine is now asleep and the movie has ended.)  
  
KRAMER  
  
I don't get it. Who was that guy who came back at the end and saved the farm?  
  
JERRY  
  
That was her first husband.  
  
KRAMER  
  
I thought he was dead.  
  
JERRY  
  
No, he just had amnesia.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Then why didn't she recognize him?  
  
JERRY  
  
Because he had a beard.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh, I get it.   
  
GEORGE  
  
What did you think happened?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I don't know. I thought it might have been a metaphor you know. The long hair, the beard, healing those sheep. The amnesia. You know who I'm talking about.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Who?  
  
(Kramer makes the sign of the cross.)  
  
JERRY  
  
Jesus didn't have amnesia.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Sure he did. He was out fishing one day and he got knocked overboard. That's how he met Mary. She took him in, you know, away from his evil step-mother. That's why he couldn't go to the ball. He had to stay home and clean the drapes. But then he ate the apple and it all came...right back.  
  
GEORGE   
  
C'mon lets go. I want to go see if that kid is still here.   
  
KRAMER  
  
I'll wake up Elaine.  
  
JERRY  
  
She's really out cold. Wait a second! Wait a second! I just had a great idea! Lets leave her here. In the theatre.  
  
KRAMER  
  
What are you talking about?  
  
JERRY  
  
Lets leave her here. She'll wake up, the place will be empty. This is the last show of the night. She won't know where she is. It'll be hilarious.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh no. I'm not going to have anything to do with this.   
  
JERRY  
  
George.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I don't know her well enough to do something like that.   
  
JERRY  
  
You've known her for ten years?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah, but we were never really close.  
  
JERRY  
  
Alright. I'll take all the responsibility. If she's mad, you can just say that it was all my idea.  
  
GEORGE  
  
It doesn't matter. We're guilty by association. She's gonna be just as angry with us as she is with you.  
  
JERRY  
  
Don't worry. I'll call her first thing tomorrow and apologize. Come on. Haven't you always wanted to do something like this? You stopped me with the ticket stub. This is a story you can tell to everyone. At parties, you know how you never have anything to talk about when you meet new people. This is a story.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Alright. Well I'm gonna go see if I can find the manager. Wait for me!   
  
JERRY  
  
You drove.  
  
GEORGE  
  
That's right!   
  
(George runs off to find the manager. Kramer and Jerry stand over the sleeping Elaine.)  
  
JERRY  
  
So what happened to the stepmother?  
  
KRAMER  
  
She turned to pepper.  
  
(George catches up with the manager in the lobby. He is a pimply-faced kid, about 17.)  
  
GEORGE  
  
Excuse me, are you the manager? (Reading his name-tag) Richard?  
  
RICH  
  
It's Rich.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well, Rich. I just wanted to let you know that I come here all the time. I mean it's my favorite theater. I'm here 7 nights a week, practically. Right from the beginning.   
  
RICH  
  
This theatre's 60 years old.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Shows his ticket stub) Senior citizen.   
  
RICH  
  
I've never seen you before.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well, I used to have a mustache.   
  
Anyway, I was here tonight with a few friends and they're all, well, between you and me, kinda...cheap. They sent me to get them some water, at the counter over there. I prefer soft-drinks myself. The more expensive the better. But the kid, he charged me for the water. Now I don't know if that's standard practice, but I'll tell you something; my father used to be the Vice-President of Vending down at Madison Square Gardens. The Vending King they called him. He told his employees, categorically, that water was free. If anyone asked for a water they got it no charge.   
  
He went out of his way to tell them that. He'd stop people in the halls, strangers, for no reason and tell them, "Hey, the water's free."   
  
In fact they called him...Free Water Frank....the, uh, Vending King. He had a crown made out of hot dog wrappers.   
  
RICH  
  
Look, if I don't get in there soon to mop the floors, they're gonna start sticking...  
  
GEORGE  
  
You can't charge people for water. It's not fair. First you tell us we can't bring anything into the theatre. Then you charge us for water. What are you trying to do...I can't think of the word here. When you won't feed people, you're starving them. What's it called when you won't give them anything to drink? Thirsting them? That can't be right.  
  
RICH  
  
Look, we don't charge people for water.  
  
GEORGE  
  
But that guy, he charged me twenty-five cents a cup. He said that was policy.  
  
RICH  
  
What can I tell you? It's not. We don't charge for water.  
  
GEORGE  
  
But that kid, I don't know his name. He was about your age, height, red hair. Really bad complexion. Skinny!   
  
RICH  
  
No one like that works here.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Are you saying this guy came in off the street and stole my seventy-five cents.  
  
RICH  
  
I'm saying I don't know who you're talking about.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well he's not gonna get away with this.  
  
(Jerry and Kramer are waiting by the doors without Elaine, whom they have left in the theater. They all exit. A minute later Kramer enters, but Jerry comes in and pulls him back out.)  
  
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
(Jerry dials Elaine's phone. It rings, and rings, but no one answers. Eventually the answering machine picks up.)  
  
JERRY  
  
It's me again. This is the fifth time I've called. I'm really, really, really sorry about last night, just call me back. Bye  
  
GEORGE  
  
Elaine?  
  
JERRY  
  
I've called her like five times. No one's answering.   
  
GEORGE  
  
Of course not. This is part of the revenge. Now she's gonna make you worry about her.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well I am. I'm worried. What if something happened?  
  
GEORGE  
  
What's gonna happen? C'mon.  
  
JERRY  
  
What's gonna happen? You know if you were in Jaws, you'd be one of those people who'd say, "What the hell, it's hot outside. Lets go for a swim."  
  
GEORGE  
  
Look. I'm right about this. I've dedicated my life to revenge. I know how this works.  
  
(Kramer Enters)  
  
KRAMER  
  
Elaine?  
  
JERRY  
  
I can't get a hold of her.  
  
KRAMER  
  
I told you it was a bad idea. What if something happened? I'll never forgive myself. What if she's...you know.  
  
GEORGE  
  
She's not...  
  
KRAMER  
  
Don't worry Jerry, I won't testify against you buddy. They can't make me.   
  
GEORGE  
  
Nothing happened. This is part of the game. Now I'm hungry, is anyone coming with me for lunch?  
  
JERRY  
  
I can't go. I'm gonna wait and see if she calls.  
  
KRAMER  
  
How can you think about food at a time like this? Elaine could be out there somewhere, lying in a ditch, and the only thing you can think about is tuna on toast with a side of onion rings and a slice of...pecan pie.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I was thinking more of an egg salad and orange jell-o.   
  
KRAMER  
  
Well go! Get out of here. I'm gonna wait with you, Jerry. Elaine! (Kramer starts crying)   
  
(Newman Enters)  
  
JERRY  
  
Hello Newman, this is kind of a bad time.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Did I hear something about Elaine?  
  
JERRY  
  
No. She's just....  
  
KRAMER  
  
(Kramer is picking the petals off a rose) Poor little buttercup, poor little buttercup...  
  
JERRY  
  
We went to the movies yesterday night and she fell asleep in the theater and, as a joke, we left her there. Now she's not answering her phone.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
You...left her...in the theater?  
  
KRAMER  
  
It was Jerry's idea.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Now you listen here Seinfeld! (Getting in Jerry's face) If one hair on her head is harmed as a result of your childish prank, I will visit the wraith of the entire U.S. Postal Service on you and your family. You'll be cut off from the outside world, living every day in an ignorant, mail-less, haze. Wandering the earth searching blindly for your tax refund. No bank statements, no cancelled cheques. No..., how should I put it, adult fare for a certain Uncle Leo. Junk mail, the likes of which you could never imagine, will rain down upon you. Letters coming back marked, "return to sender." Postage to be paid by RECIPIENT.   
  
JERRY  
  
Alright, that's enough.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Is it? Just make sure you remember this; Hell hath no fury like a postman scorned.   
  
SCENE - STREET  
  
(George is on the street, right outside of Monk's. He sees the two "bad-laughers" from the movie theater about to enter the restaurant.)  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hey, those are the guys from the movie last night. The bad laughers. Maybe they saw Elaine leave.  
  
(George approaches the bad-laughers.)  
  
GEORGE  
  
Hi. You don't know me, but I was in the same theater as you yesterday for Forgotten Heart.   
  
DICK  
  
Yeah, I remember you. You were that guy who kept getting up. You blocked the screen, hahaha.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well, it was only one time. I had a big bowl of soup for dinner.  
  
ANDY  
  
Yeah. And when you came back you slipped, and it, hahahaha, it looked like you were about to fall.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well someone spilled their drink all over the floor. It was dark, I couldn't see.  
  
DICK  
  
That was really a great movie. Remember the scene where the guy from the bank came and made them sign all those papers? That was hilarious?  
  
GEORGE  
  
When they foreclosed on their house?  
  
ANDY  
  
Yeah. Hahaha.   
  
GEORGE  
  
But they were all crying.   
  
DICK  
  
It was a riot. So, what's this about?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well, I was there with a few friends. I wanted to see "Lost In Rhode Island," but anyway. One of them was a woman. Short. She fell asleep during the movie and we kind of played a joke on her, you know, and left her in the theater. I remember you guys were still there when we left, and I was wondering if you saw her leave, or knew what happened to her.  
  
ANDY  
  
No, we didn't see anyone when we left. The place was empty.  
  
(Andy looks at Dick and they both break out in laughter.)  
  
GEORGE  
  
What's so funny?  
  
DICK  
  
It's an inside joke. Something that happened last night. Nice, hahaha, speaking to you.  
  
ANDY  
  
Yeah. I hope you, Hahaha find your friend.  
  
DICK  
  
Yeah, I'm sure you'll, hahaha, have no trouble, hahaha, finding, hahaha, her.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What is going on here!  
  
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
(George bursts in, Kramer and Jerry are sitting on the couch.)  
  
GEORGE  
  
You gotta call the cops! You gotta call...someone. Something's going on.   
  
JERRY  
  
What? What happened?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I ran into the bad laughers on the street, on the way to the coffee shop. So I thought maybe they saw Elaine leave, and I'd ask them. Well, I go up to them and we're talking and I tell them what's wrong. So they start laughing, like something's funny. And I say what's so funny? And they say, nothing. I hope you - HAHAHA - find your friend!  
  
JERRY  
  
They hope we - HAHAHA - find our friend. I knew it! I knew they had something to do with it.  
  
GEORGE  
  
And get this. They were talking about the movie. They thought it was a comedy. One of them goes to me, "my favorite part was when the guy from the bank came and took their house. That was HILARIOUS. I was CRYING.   
  
JERRY  
  
Where did you see them?  
  
GEORGE  
  
They were just about to go into the coffee shop.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, maybe they're still there. Lets go.  
  
KRAMER  
  
I found a hair...on the couch. It's all we have left now...(starts crying)  
  
(George starts rifling through Jerry's kitchen cabinets.)  
  
JERRY  
  
What are you doing?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'm not going in there naked. Those guys are crazy, they kidnapped Elaine. They might be dangerous. What's with all these salad bowls, don't you have any pots or pans?  
  
JERRY  
  
What about a knife? Wouldn't that be more traditional?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I already looked. You've only got butter knives. What if you want to eat a steak? I've never seen anyone who didn't have a steak knife. What if you want to cut a bagel?  
  
JERRY  
  
I EAT OUT.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well you've got plates!  
  
JERRY  
  
LETS GO.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Grabs two sauce pans and hands one to Jerry)  
  
JERRY  
  
We're gonna look like idiots walking down the street with two sauce-pans. Get a bag. It'll look like we just went shopping.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Where are they? I don't see any bags.  
  
JERRY  
  
They're right...Huh. Well, how about this? Elaine left it here last week. I was gonna give it back...  
  
KRAMER  
  
ELAINE!  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's a purse!  
  
JERRY  
  
It's a back-pack.  
  
GEORGE  
  
IT'S A PURSE.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well it's all I have.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Alright. But you're holding it.  
  
JERRY  
  
Why should I hold it? Hey, what's the phone book for?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'm gonna use it to beat a confession out of them. Cops use phone books 'cause they don't leave bruises.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, yeah. Where did you hear that?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Police Academy 3.  
  
KRAMER  
  
(Huddled in the corner by the fridge)  
  
(George and Jerry leave.)  
  
SCENE - STREET  
  
JERRY  
  
What are we gonna do when we see them?  
  
GEORGE  
  
We'll arrest them.  
  
JERRY  
  
A citizen's arrest. What if they run? What if we're in hot pursuit?  
  
GEORGE  
  
They're not gonna run. It's gonna be a good bust.  
  
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one...that's all I know.   
  
JERRY  
  
You're gonna read them their rights?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I have to. If I don't and they confess, the judge'll throw the whole thing out.  
  
JERRY  
  
Maybe you're getting a little ahead of yourself Officer.  
  
(A woman approaches Jerry.)  
  
MOLLY  
  
Hello! Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh, Molly. Hi. George, this is Elaine's friend Molly. Molly, I'm sorry, we're kinda in a rush...  
  
MOLLY  
  
What have you got there? Pots?  
  
GEORGE  
  
We're donating them to a center for the mentally ill. You know (pointing at the sky) satellites. They wear them as hats.  
  
MOLLY  
  
So how are you, Jerry? Elaine tells me you're still doing the comedy thing.  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah. I'm working hard.  
  
MOLLY  
  
Good. Good.   
  
JERRY  
  
Hey, wait a second. Molly lives in Elaine's building. You haven't seen Elaine recently, like, say, in the last 8-10 hours.  
  
MOLLY  
  
No. Why is everything alright?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah, probably. We're just trying to get in touch with her.   
  
MOLLY  
  
You know there was a gas leak on her floor a few days ago and they had to move everyone out. I know Elaine went to stay with her friend Sandy. I don't know if she went back though because they only opened the building yesterday.  
  
JERRY  
  
Sandy? Do you know her number.  
  
MOLLY  
  
Yeah. 555-3453. (To George) You know I might have seen her this morning when I went to get the paper. But I wasn't wearing my glasses, so it could have just been a mop or something.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well was it like a big mop, or a small mop?  
  
MOLLY  
  
I don't know, just a mop. You know what, it could have been a coat rack.   
  
I'm gonna be late for work guys. Jerry, it was nice seeing you again.  
  
JERRY  
  
You too....(Molly exits) I'm gonna go call Sandy.   
  
(Jerry walks over to a pay phone and dials the number.)  
  
OPERATOR  
  
I'm sorry sir, but that number's long distance. You're gonna have to put in another 75 cents.  
  
JERRY  
  
I've only got a dollar. Do you have seventy-five cents?  
  
GEORGE  
  
No, I've only got twenties. Call collect.  
  
JERRY  
  
Good idea. Operator, can you make it a collect call? It's Jerry Seinfeld calling.  
  
(Phone Rings. Sandy answers.)  
  
OPERATOR  
  
You have a collect call from - Jerry Seinfeld - will you accept the charges?  
  
SANDY  
  
Who?   
  
JERRY  
  
Don't hang up, it's Jerry Seinfeld, El....  
  
SANDY  
  
(Hangs up)  
  
JERRY  
  
She hung up?  
  
GEORGE  
  
How could she hang up?  
  
JERRY  
  
She doesn't know me, we've never met. Who's gonna accept a collect call from a complete stranger?  
  
(Ricky, the kid from the concession stand is walking across the street)  
  
GEORGE  
  
Wait a second, there's the kid from the theater. The one who charged me for the water. He owes me seventy five cents.   
  
JERRY  
  
Go, go. (Motions)  
  
(George runs over to the kid.)  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Extends his hand) Give me seventy five cents.  
  
RICKY  
  
What?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Give me seventy five cents, kid. Now!  
  
RICKY  
  
Help! Help! This guy's mugging me.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What? No, no. I'm not mugging you. You owe me seventy five cents. I'm the guy from the theater. The water-boy. The water-boy!  
  
RICKY  
  
Help!  
  
POLICEMAN  
  
Can I help you sir?  
  
RICKY  
  
This guy was trying to mug me.  
  
GEORGE  
  
He owes me seventy five cents. I've got a missing friend, and I wanted some tap water, and that's not their POLICY!   
  
(Jerry slinks away down the street.)  
  
SCENE - JERRY'S APARTMENT  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Without Elaine, my life is not worth living.   
  
I want you to do something for me Kramer. In my apartment, there's a mail sack. You'll know which one I'm talking about when you see it. It's the kind we keep children's letters to God in before we haul them down to the furnace. I want you to go and get that sack for me. I've affixed to it the address of a deserted postal station on a glacier in Antarctica. After a peach schnapps to dull my nerves I'll crawl inside, quietly. Then you...take me down to the post office and MAIL ME.   
  
(Door opens and Elaine enters. She rushes up to Kramer and grabs him by the collar, shaking him like a rag-doll. Furniture and other items are tossed around the room as Elaine manhandles Kramer. Newman rises to his feet in ecstacy.)  
  
NEWMAN  
  
SHE'S ALIVE! SHE'S ALIVE  
  
ELAINE  
  
So you think it's funny to leave someone in a movie theater. Well who's laughing now?  
  
(Newman is relieved and overjoyed.)  
  
ELAINE  
  
Where are they? Where are Jerry and George?  
  
(Newman is prancing around the room, before fainting with relief. Kramer tries to speak, but Elaine is choking him.)  
  
KRAMER  
  
They're at shop.  
  
(Kramer passes out. He and Newman lay next to each other on the floor, unconscious. Elaine exits, leaving the door open as she leaves. Moments later, Jerry enters.)  
  
JERRY  
  
What's going on here? Kramer? Newman?   
  
(Laughter can be heard coming from the hall.)  
  
JERRY  
  
The bad laughers.  
  
(A frightened look passes over Jerry's face and he runs out of the apartment.)   
  
SCENE - THE STREET  
  
(George is being handcuffed by the policeman.)  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'm telling you, he stole seventy-five cents from me. Look at him. He's smiling. He knows I'm right. You're not gonna get away with this.  
  
(Elaine walks up behind George.)  
  
ELAINE  
  
George?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Elaine! You're alive.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Of course I'm alive. What's going on here?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Where were you this morning? Jerry called your apartment, we...he was worried sick about you.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I had to go meet that author. You know the one with the dentist story. He called me at 3 A.M. He had a great idea. Instead of going back in time to become a dentist, he'd go into the future. To a society of toothless people. Sort of like Planet of the Apes with teeth instead of monkeys.  
  
(Jerry runs up.)  
  
JERRY  
  
Officer. You've got to help me. It's the bad laughers, they kidnapped my friend, they broke into my apartment and they...Elaine?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hello.  
  
JERRY  
  
Elaine! Where were you? I've been calling you all day.  
  
(A policeman is pressing George's face against the hood of the squad car so his speech is mumbled)  
  
GEORGE  
  
Manhattan.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well what about Kramer and Newman? What happened to my apartment?   
  
ELAINE  
  
Payback.  
  
JERRY  
  
Didn't you check your messages this morning?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah.  
  
JERRY  
  
I called you like, six times. Why didn't you call me back?  
  
ELAINE  
  
You played a joke on me, I thought I'd play one on you. Who's laughing now?  
  
JERRY  
  
Well that wasn't very funny.  
  
ELAINE  
  
No. It wasn't.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Still pressed against the hood of the squad car) Not funny at all.  
  
(The bad-laughers walk by and witness the situation.)   
  
ANDY  
  
Hahahaha  
  
DICK  
  
Hahahaha.   
  
The End


End file.
